


Rage At The Cushions

by IHaveNotTurnedGOOD (strangeradventuresofstarwars)



Category: Green Wing
Genre: F/M, Humor, Inspired By Coupling, Jack Davenport Made Me Have An Excerstential Crisis Over Cushions, Typical Green Wing Insanity, What Are They For?, asking the important questions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 16:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18627283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeradventuresofstarwars/pseuds/IHaveNotTurnedGOOD
Summary: Inspired By Jack Davenport’s Cushion Rant On Coupling’s: Guy wants Sue to bear witness to his debate about a change to the workplace that he disagrees with. Sue just wants to get on with her day.





	Rage At The Cushions

I don’t own anything.

 

“Fucking hell, Guy. I haven’t got time for this...” Sue groans as Guy drags her into the break room where Angela, Caroline, Martin and Mac are stood.

“I can’t believe you went and fetched your girlfriend for this. Could you be anymore pathetic?” Angela taunts him.

“Now, darling.” Guy eyes Sue, squeezing her hand.

“There is a problem with the break room and seeing as you are our staff liaison officer I want you to help us settle a disagreement.” Guy states

“Why what’s happened? Who said what? Did someone call you Donkey again or something?” Sue tilts her head to side.

Not in the mood for this today.

“It’s about the cushions Angela has kindly chosen to donate to our break room.” Caroline gestures to the new additions.

“Cushions?” Sue raises an eyebrow.

“The monstrosity.” Guy shakes his head.

“But again, just cushions.” Mac sighs.

“They’re not just cushions, Mac, they’re a disease.” Guy exclaims beginning to stand on top of a coffee table.

“You bring these things into the break room and it’s not even just that anymore, they’re brought into our homes, they sit on our sofa’s and watch our televisions. Literally they watch our telly more than we do.” Guy puts his hands on his hips. 

“Which is why, on behalf of everyone in the human race, I need to ask the question, I need to understand.” Guy pauses for a moment to stand in front of one of Angela’s cushions.

“What are they bloody for?”

“Look at them, they just sit there, the chubby arseholes, sitting around wherever they’re dumped by us.” Guy picks one up and drops it as if it had tried to attack him.

“What are they? What is there actual purpose in life?” He continues.

“Are they meant to be a pet for our sofa’s? Who has an answer for me? Angela. You put them there, why? What is their actual purpose?” Guy fixes his attention on the silently fuming Angela.

“You sit on them.” Martin interjects.

“Haha, that’s where you’re wrong, Fartin.” Guy laughs as if he’s caught Martin out.

“That’s not what happens at all, no one sits on them.” Guy moves closer towards the cushion he’d discarded a few moments previously.

“Watch this, this is the cushion.” Guy lifts it into his hands.

“I’m positioning it on the sofa where I’d be sitting.” Guy places it down in an exaggerated manner.

“Now watch, I’m about to sit down and look what I do on my final approach.” Guy gestures to the group as he moves to sit down. 

“I... Look I move the cushion!” Guy exclaims as he sits down and pushes the cushion as far away from him as possible on the break room sofa.

“Don’t you see? Aren’t you lot getting it now? It’s not involved. It’s not part of the whole sitting down process. It just lies there like a rotting cadaver.” Guy gestures to the inanimate object.

“It’s fat litter, a sofa parasite no less.” 

“It’s padding!” Caroline chooses that moment to put across her thoughts.

“Padding for your arse.”

“Padding? You know it is interesting that you say that, Dr. Todd, you see I’m quite fond of padding. Especially in surgery could help me warn of scalpel whielding Mac’s.” Guy eyes his best friend.

The fact that Mac once legitimately stabbed him through the arm not forgotten in the slightest. 

“And if I was back in Switzerland, skiing, with those sudden drops and all that dangerous ice I’d be saying give me some of that bloody padding and be quick about it. Especially with those hidden rocks. I’d be like in the view of those jagged rocks down there I’d love some of that padding, thank you very much.” Guy continues to emphasise his point before standing up properly and gripping tightly onto the sofa.

“But Sue, Mac, Caroline, Martin, Angela. This.” Guy pats the sofa having now moved to stand behind it.

“This is a sofa.”

“They are designed by a number of clever scientists in such away as to shield the unprotected user from abrasions to the skin, severe head trauma and of course.” Guy raises both hands before promptly throwing himself behind the sofa and onto the ground before sitting his head up just over the top of the sofa and yells.

“DALEKS!”

“You do not.” Guy tries to pull himself up from the ground.

“Trust me, please dear god trust me on this one. You do not need padding.” He eyes everyone in the room as he walks towards them.

“To tackle upholstery. So please.” Guy picks the decorative cushion up, holding it as if it were something disgusting.

“Once and for all, tell me why on earth would you want anyone in this hospital to sit on one of those bloody useless things when we’re in a room that hasn’t been touched interior wise for ages!”

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU CRETINOUS FUCKWIT!” Sue White snarls at Guy her patience having gone with her partner.

“It’s a fucking cushion. There’s no deeper bloody reasoning behind them! They’re there and that’s it. Why the fuck it’s brought out this kind of a reaction from you is a complete and utter fucking wonder.” Sue shakes her head at him.

“To be perfectly honest, this is what my new boyfriend Steve said about them, well along those lines anyway. Think some people must just have an exerstential crisis over the bloody things.” Angela shrugs her shoulders.

“It why I brought them here.”

“What do you mean?” Mac frowns.

“The cushions, my boyfriend had a similar reaction to Guy’s so I moved them out of our flat and decided to put them here.” 

“They’re not bloody staying. Keep them in the backseat of your car, sell them on eBay, donate them, set them on fire, I couldn’t give a fuck but you’re not keeping them here.” Sue informs her.

“But Suse. I thought you’d be on my side.” Angela whines in a pathetic manner.

“Sides? I’m not on anyone’s bloody side here, Angela I’ve just had to stand here and hear you all fucking moan and groan about a couple of fucking cushions that have no relevance at fucking all and if they’re that much of an issue and a problem to how things go in the work place then I want them gone. Take them away, far away and don’t bloody bring them back or I’ll take great pleasure in taking them all a part piece by piece and then sewing them into your fucking skins. Do I make myself crystal clear?” Sue eyes them all.

Complete silence descends at that very moment.

“I said do you fucking get me?” The Scottish woman growls.

“Yes Sue.” Comes the murmurs from the rest of the group.

“Fucking lunatics.” The woman mutters before turning on her heels and leaving.

“Thank you. You are a life saver I don’t know how to...”

“Problem solved end of.” Sue cuts him off.

“Yes and now I can enjoy the rest of my day and tonight...”

“Tonight you’re sleeping on the sofa. Seeing as you love them so much.” Sue mutters, not even looking back at him.

“Haha.” Guy chuckles, his laughter only beginning to fade when he fears that she might not actually be joking around here.

“Sweetheart...”

“Oh I’m not kidding.” Sue replies.

“You can use on of my cushions as a pillow when you’re lying there.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this, I’ve had it planned for ages. Whilst my favourite comedy will always be Green Wing my second favourite comedy shall always be Coupling what a laugh. It’s just brilliant & it even has Sarah Alexander (who plays Angela in Green Wing) as the lead character who marries Jack Davenport’s character who embarks on a spectacular rant about cushions. Seriously it’s brilliant. Thank you to any on who’s read this & please comment if you can.


End file.
